The Teenager Parable

Imagine I caught the teenager not only sneaking into the house an hour after curfew, but that he was late because he was teepeeing the neighbor's house and he tipped over a few cows. And let's say, instead of flying off the handle, I simply told him we would talk about it in the morning, after we'd had time to calm down.

But then the next morning the Teenager gets up at the break of dawn and leaves the house, and basically evades me for the next two years, so that we are unable to have this talk. Stick with me, OK?

Finally, I corner the Teenager, and I threaten that if we don't have the talk tomorrow morning, his allowance is cut off. (OK, so maybe first you should imagine the Teenager gets an allowance...)

In our household, both breaking curfew and vandalizing property brings about a consequence of no media for one month. The consequence for tipping cows is only a week without media. But, if Teenager will admit he broke curfew, apologizes, and promises to not do it again for one year, not only will I entirely forgive and forget the teepeeing and the cow-tipping, I won't enforce the one month no-media punishment. It will just hang over his head for a year, and as long as he has no other curfew violations, it will disappear. I'm also going to dock $20 off his allowance, but I'll likely reconsider if he gives me any good reason why he can't afford that.

So Teenager and I sit in the living room and begin discussing the curfew breaking, the teepeeing, and the cow-tipping. I start off by explaining to the Teenager my willingness to forgo punishment if he will simply apologize and pay the $20. Before I can even get a word out, the Teenager begins on a long rant about how he should NOT have to deal with this issue since it occurred two years ago, that he has a class assignment that requires he watch TV each day, and that he has been home on time ever since then, hasn't teepeed, and hasn't cow-tipped, so why is this even an issue? I calmly explain to the Teenager that if he doesn't want to apologize that's fine, he doesn't have to, but then he runs the risk of Husband mandating no media for two months and one week. It's his choice.

The Teenager continues to argue, and eventually Daughter walks into the room. She really needs my help with a baking project. So I say to Teenager, I have other people to help, it's up to you, just decide! And he says, I can't admit I came in after curfew, it will totally ruin my reputation, I'm going to plead my case to Husband. (Notice how his argument isn't, "I didn't do this act, therefore I'm innocent!")

So the Teenager and I walk up to the house calendar to find a day when Husband can sit down and talk to Teenager. I have the pen out, when Teenager suddenly says, No, I want to just apologize. I don't want to talk to Husband.

OK Fine. So I put the pen away, walk back to the table, and strongly suggest the Teenager phone a friend for some advice. I then help Daughter, which includes assisting her with putting her cookies in the oven. Meanwhile, the Teenager's friend tells him to just talk to Husband if he doesn't want to apologize. Teenager comes back into the room, and tells me that the Friend is going to talk to Husband for him.

That doesn't make any sense. What random teenager wants to voluntarily engage in a tense, uncomfortable conversation with an angry adult on another's behalf? While washing dishes with Daughter, I turn around to tell the Teenager that that doesn't sound right, and inform him the Friend needs to tell me personally he is going to talk to Husband. In the meantime, smoke is coming from the oven and Daughter is trying to get my attention... and yes I do think I hear a knock at the door...

I put out the fire, dismiss the salesperson at the door, and the Teenager is back in the room waving at me to get my attention. I'm a little frazzled. The Teenager informs me that his Friend apparently wanted money or some sort of compensation, and since that was out of the question, Teenager wanted to schedule a meeting with Husband. As we are about to walk up to the calendar, the Teenager stops and tries to explain to me, for the tenth time, that he cannot apologize for fear of a marred reputation, and that this happened two years ago so WHY am I making him do this?

Through clenched teeth I tell Teenager he needs to choose. The decision is either apologize, or talk to Husband. That's all there is. (I should also add that, while Teenager's initial Friend won't talk to Husband on his behalf, there is a second friend available who will help the Teenager out FOR FREE, but the Teenager doesn't want him because he "doesn't know what he's talking about").

Teenager says he is concerned about admitting he came in after curfew, because he's a teenager, and this might happen again, and then he'd have to go a month without media...Yes, that's true.

Teenager is also concerned because his reputation is important to him, and if he apologizes, it might have negative consequences...Yes, that's also true.

And finally, the Teenager is concerned about this $20...Well, that's the offer.

In the end, the Teenager chose to schedule a day to talk to Husband.

Yes, this IS a thinly-veiled parable about how my day went with a particularly difficult pro-se defendant. In my head I kept thinking, "If you were my kid..." Have people lost all sense of personal responsibility, that they can't accept negative consequences for their negative behavior??? Especially when the offer eliminated almost ALL of the negative consequences!!!


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