You CAN have your cake and eat it too!

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The posting has been a bit sporadic, I admit. As I explained to ChoirFriend yesterday, some days all I have is randomness... who wants to read that? She assured me that she did, so today's random post is dedicated to ChoirFriend...

For two reasons! The second being that yesterday was the last day of chemo, and we celebrated with CAKE. ChoirFriend, you are amazing - the worst leg of the journey is over. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers; the lumpectomy is scheduled for February, with radiation treatment afterwards.

Wednesday night husband made spaghetti. Spaghetti is my most favorite meal. I could eat a pound. I could win contests. I tried really hard not to totally binge eat. Espcially considering...

I had spaghetti Tuesday night as well, at SuperDuper's home. SD's oldest daughter, Evita (not her real name... or is it?) put on a fashion show of Disney-princess dresses, and I was a guest bed-time reader of Dr. Suess's Fox in Socks. It was a wonderful, wholesome evening.

My Monday story is that I learned the importance of comfortable footwear in the skyways. The walk from the parking ramp to the city attorney's office is about a mile one way. Apparently my wussy feet can't handle that, and by the end of my shift at the courthouse I was limping back to the office. How on earth was I going to traverse the remaining mile back to the ramp?

I texted LawLady "HELP ME" and she responded with a panicked phone call - "WHAT'S WRONG?" Oops. Perhaps I should reserve all caps for life or death situations... She was unable to give me a ride back to the ramp, but assured me that she has also walked through the skyways without shoes on, and any woman who saw me was sure to be sympathetic.

So the walk of shame began. I tried to imagine people were not noticing my feet, but then I would try and imagine someone walking towards me without shoes, and I was pretty sure they were noticing. But when I walked by my salon, I had a sudden burst if inspiration! I walked in, explained I was a loyal customer, and that I could really use some pedicure flip-flops.

And wouldn't you know, I walked perhaps two more blocks and ran into a classmate, who asked me if I had just gotten a pedicure. Looking at my broken, blistered feet I had to laugh - yeah, the pedicure of Pus.

But back to cake. This morning was "weigh-in" Friday, and I am proud to report that I lost 2.2 pounds that, combined with my previous weigh loss, equals a loss of over 10% of my original body weight! Weightwatchers goal #1 - done! I was prepared to be disappointed this morning in light of my spaghetti-and-cake-fest, but I'm realizing that a few key changes are making a big difference. I don't drink pop with calories, I eat a salad once a day, and I force myself to walk to work in the skyways. Loving that I can have my cake, eat it too, and still lose 2.2 pounds!


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Is This The Breaking Point?

As we've seen with other quests, it usually helps for me to come to a breaking point where things have gotten so out of hand that I am suddenly highly motivated to make a change.

Remember the initial purpose of this blog? Exercise and Eat Smart. A simple recipe for a healthy life. Instead, I have fallen into a gluttonous pattern of eating obscene amounts of food, to the point that even WITH my spanks people are wondering when my baby is due. And in case you're one who's wondering, I'M NOT PREGNANT.

To add insult to injury, when I complained to Husband, his idea of consolation was to say, "Well, if I was fatter I would be able to find pants that fit me." Apparently Old Navy didn't carry the 36" waist he needed. And then he proceeded to eat, I kid you not, approximately half of an 8 oz. brick of sharp cheddar cheese. He ate it like a freakin' candy bar.

Actually, now that I think of it, Husband is to blame for my weight woes. He recently quit smoking. (Yes! How exciting!) The downside is that now, instead of lighting up a cigarette, he eats a bag of popcorn; a package of Keebler cookies; or a Dilly Bar. He's always had an excellent metabolism and can handle eating all this extra crap. But guess who didn't kick a bad habit, has a horrible metabolism, yet thinks she can eat all this crap too?

But what do I do? I've made so many idle threats to change and get healthy that the teenager just laughs when I say I'm going to diet FOR REAL. Sigh! I need to watch this clip more.


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Food Thoughts

It is true that when you eat healthier on a more regular basis, your body begins to crave it. I can tell a difference in how I feel over the weekends, when I eat horribly, and during the week when I pack my lunch and eat a lot of salad bar.

Why does the salad bar taste so good, but salad at home seems so blah? I try to buy the same ingredients, but it never tastes as good. Maybe it's the poor lighting at my house, versus the bright lights of cafeterias and restaurants. Maybe it's because salad bars require zero effort from me besides eating, while home salads require preparation.

A major staple for me during the week is different forms of macaroni and cheese. I buy the EZ Mac, the Betty Crocker noodle bowls, I bring leftover Kraft and Velveeta shells. I order mac and cheese off many menus. I wonder if I'm on the verge of being sick of mac and cheese...

I hid my bananas under a towel last week to hide them from the fruit flies. But now they are kind of old and overripe. (Out of sight, out of mind). I am afraid to look under the towel and see how I've wasted my bananas. So I will let them sit under the towel another day.

There is a giant gummy bear in my fridge. I am kind of sick of seeing it. Husband admitted this weekend it isn't as fun to eat the gummy bear alone. Feel free to come over and eat gummy bear with us. (And yes KT, I still have your bar of chocolate!!!)

And these are random food thoughts.


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Overcoming the Bol

Tonight, I really wanted a Chipotle Burrito Bol.

I wanted one so bad, that twice I attempted to convince innocent friends that they, too, wanted to go to Chipotle. Which wouldn't seem so bad, except I wanted to go at 8 p.m. It was calling to me...

The little Betty Crocker noodle bowl seemed so typical, so blah. After being rejected by TreevHuggin' Hippie and Casanova, I convinced myself it would be ridiculous to put off the commute home for another thirty minutes just so I could stuff myself with delicious rice, sour cream and cheese...

Now that I'm home, stuffed full of four cheese macaroni, I am glad I packed my meal... and ate it!

Day 10: End of Quest #1

What I learned from the past 10 days:

1) Getting 30 minutes of activity every day is easier when I don't call it exercise. Walking Mocha, walking with friends, walking to garage sales, walking on the golf course, walking at the zoo... all are enjoyable! And 30 minutes is an easy amount of time that I can fit in to my daily schedule.

2) I have a lot of food habits that need to be deconstructed. I need to accept that I have almost no willpower to stop eating when food is in front of me. Methods of getting out of the clean plate club include pouring water on my restaurant food when I'm full, moving food out of sight (especially snackies) when I'm not hungry, and ordering ice cream treats and immediately throwing away the half I'm not going to eat.

3) I need to limit "celebrations": Bloated sheep splurges (eat all you want even when you aren't hungry because the food only comes once per year) are limited to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Anniversary, Birthday, Easter and one bonus day. Mini splurges (Caribou coffee, blizzards, Cafe Latte chocolate cake) are limited to once per week.

4) Paying attention to food's effect on my body has been very powerful. When I overeat and indulge, I feel lethargic, slow and grumpy. I feel bad about myself. When I am active and treat myself now and then, I am generally more energetic and happy. See Day 5: Bloated Sheep for a prime example.

In conclusion, Quest #1 has set the foundation for a life habit of 30 minutes of activity per day (I have been doing this since day 4), and for prevention of bloated sheep days. I will check in every so often to let you know if the life habit stuck. I don't expect to lose oodles of weight quickly since I'm not focusing on reducing calorie intake or intense workouts. I am curious to see if these life habits will result in some movement on the scale, and will alert you when I reach the 175 marker.

Day 9: Strategies That Work

A day of celebrating the end of 2L year of law school! And I am proud to say, I think my calorie consumption and expulsion came out about even. I had a poptart and bottled Starbucks frappacino (instead of coffee shop coffee and pastry) walked on the golf course while pulling my bag (no golf cart), I ate a Chipotle burrito bol (instead of burrito), walked around the zoo (for close to 2.5 hours), was not a bloated sheep after dinner (poured water on my food after I was full; passed up ice cream dessert) and was a dancing MACHINE at a local concert. Being active is fun!

Day 8: Getting the Hang of It!

I had time to take a nice long walk with Mocha, and I had no bloated sheep moments.

I've been thinking of what my next 10 day quest will be... perhaps something having to do with being punctual, since I begin my new clerkship on Monday. I had a horrible dream last night that I actually started the clerkship TODAY. The sinking feeling was horrible, I kept saying "I thought I started Monday!" A dark haired man called me and was really nasty, asking where I was (it was 11 a.m. and I had said I would be there at 9 a.m.), and I was frantic to leave the house immediately even though I hadn't showered because it would take me an hour to get down there... I was getting dressed in the car, I drove into a river, somehow I appeared at work but everyone was really mean to me so I cried. I'm hoping I haven't suddenly received the gift of prophecy.

Other 10 day quests include working on my relationship with the daughter, cleaning and de-cluttering my home (especially in anticipation of graduation open house), eating out less, mini-mission project... it looks like I have enough ideas to last me 3350 days...

Ah, the journey!

Day 7: Every Day Can't Be A Holiday...

Yesterday was "splurge because it's the kid's last band concert!" And generally, we all agreed it was a day worthy of recognition and a McFlurry.

Today for breakfast, I had a specialty coffee and a scone from the local coffee shop... because I was on my way to my last final! Then for lunch, I had an Erb's and Gerb's sub (wheat bread at least, and that was a hard decision to make)... because I was done with law school for the semester! Later that afternoon, I purchased a strawberry banana smoothie... because I was shopping! And after a small plate of stroganoff, I ate home-made sushi... because I was done with law school for the semester? Wait, I think I used that one already...

It dawned on me today that I recognize and honor many, many events. I pay tribute by eating out. For my anniversary, husband and I go to W.A. Frost. For Valentine's day, we've gotten in the habit of eating Lobstergrams. For my birthday, Kikugawa. And those are only the widely recognized holidays! I have also celebrated breaking my leg, the beginning (and end) of the law school semester, Spring Break, getting a good grade on a paper, shooting an awesome round of golf, etc. The list goes on. Need to celebrate? Eat lots of food. We enter a real danger zone when buffets are introduced: the casino buffet, Q Mandarin buffet, Old Country Buffet...

Every day can't be a holiday! This is all part of the excess that has put me 25 pounds overweight!

So there. Alert the media. Christmas is canceled.

And yes, I did my 30 minutes of activity today. I managed to drink only half my coffee and eat only half the scone, and throw half my lunch-coke away. I had whispers of bloated sheep after lunch (I need to get in the habit of listening to my stomach, instead of devouring my typical serving of food). I did a good job of not taking another plate of stroganoff, anticipating the sushi delight. Overall, things are getting better. I checked my calendar, and there are no more holidays this week (well, Thursday was supposed to be Study Group Celebration, and this weekend I was celebrating with my pregnant Sister in Law by going to Red Lobster...)

Day 6: The day it was OK to eat a McFlurry

Yes, I ate a McDonald's McFlurry after 9 p.m. And I feel GREAT.

The point of this blog was to figure out what I can change and what I can't. Or Won't. And when my high school senior, on the night of his last band concert, asks me if I want to get something to eat afterwards, I accept despite the Bloated Sheep baaing in my head.

And when he continues to drive to McDonalds, even after he realizes I don't have any money on me and he will have to purchase our treats, the baaing grows more and more faint.

And when we're at the pay window of McDonalds, laughing because we are trying to find $.56 in change in his ridiculously dirty car because he thought his gift card had $10 on it but really it only had $5, I forgot about calories and just enjoyed the McFlurry.

That isn't 100% how it went. Honestly, the bloated sheep was a little louder than I would have liked. I didn't eat all of my McFlurry. And I'm not sure how I feel about it; on one hand, the memory of getting the McFlurry makes me want to indulge guilt-free into the calories. On the other hand, if it's about the memory then I shouldn't feel bad that I ate less than half of my treat.

Food guilt is a funny thing. Because ice cream has been an often-used medium for family bonding, I feel like I dishonored the kid's gift by not eating it. I am fighting feelings of guilt as I stare at the melted mess of caramel and ice cream - what kind of mom is more worried about calories than celebrating with her kid?

And yet, I DID eat it. I ate a little under half. I tasted it, and enjoyed it, and it HAS TO BE OK that I didn't eat it all! Ugh - apparently the Clean Plate Club isn't letting me out without a fight!

The guilt stops here. McFlurry Night.

Day 5: Bloated Sheep

"Sheep, mere sheeeeep, easily dispersed if you strike the shepherd" - King Edward the Longshanks in Braveheart.

My dad has a general dislike of sheep. He thinks they are stupid. Any animal that eats itself to death is not worthy of his affection. As farm kids know, sheep will eat themselves to death when it comes to grain.

I fear I am in danger of losing my father's love.

You see, tonight I just about ate myself to death. Like a sheep let out in a bean field, I was at a dinner celebrating the kid's senior status. The meal was lasagna (excellent noodle consistency, distinct cheese filling), salad (sugared almonds, mandarin oranges and a fabulous dressing over lettuce), fruit salad (some kind of strawberry goodness mixed with just a little bit of jello and topped with a whipped cream layer) and garlic bread (big loaf, cut in half and smothered inside with garlic butter). Dessert was blueberry cobbler. I had a plate and was full.

Then Day 1 Me began baaing. Just a little bit more I thought as I creeped back into the kitchen. Did a little small talk as I stealthily spooned a "little" more salad onto my plate. And what's this? Daughter didn't finish her plate? I should take half her lasagna to reduce waste. And now that I have this additional lasagna, I really need another half of garlic bread... ooh and now I have to have a glass of milk and dessert...

Baaaaaaa. About five minutes later the food began expanding and suddenly I wanted to lie on the floor and die. So full. So stupid. So so stupid. I could barely talk after that, I just kept feeling like my "in-y" belly button was about to pop into an "outie."

I got home and instantly went on a walk with Mocha. I feel only minimally better, physically and emotionally. I can't even say I was following the lead of everyone else - I was the lone sheep wandering around in excess.

I must hold onto this pain, and use it in the future. This feeling is forever termed, the Bloated Sheep. And I HATE Bloated Sheep.

Day 4: Victory

This morning husband and I and chubby Mocha went on a walk! Woohoo! A few more million walks and Mocha and I will be back to our svelte selves.

I ate well. The kid brought a blizzard home, and I ate less than half because husband shared it with me.

It was a good day. Open house invites ready to mail, managed almost-eighteen years worth of pictures of the kid for several graduation-related purposes, and hosted Stella and her owner. One of them left two suspicious puddles in my kitchen and rolled around in poo, while the other knocked over a candle and grooved to Hannah Montana.

Beginning to worry about my final on Tuesday... should consider studying sometime soon...

Day 3: Artificially Happy and Loving It!

Hello! I am excited today, because for the fist time I know there is someone who actually reads my blog here and there, voluntarily. You know who you are (yes she is related to me, but no, she is not my mom), and your words today were fabulous!

Anywho, today I did a great job of not eating, because the Surgery Instructions say No food after 7:30 a.m. and no liquids after 10:30 a.m. Poor husband, I get quite crabby when I'm hungry. And I was nervous.

When I initially broke my leg and was scheduled for surgery, I was majorly OCD about it. I read everything three times and knew exactly what to expect. This time around, I took my celebrex a half hour late, arrived 10 minutes late, forgot to take my earrings and contacts out, and forgot the air cast. However, this time around I was a bit more aware of the "tricks of the trade." For example, last time I went in I was a little hyper and the anesthesiologist began talking about her leg injury while discreetly injecting me out with "pre-sedative" because I was freaking the team out with all my counting. (Whenever I'm going to be pricked with a needle I count, starting at one, to calm down. I used to make the person pricking me do it, but after they put me out as a result I decided I should just count myself. Why is it soothing? Because it takes my mind off the pain, kind of like when you count while running and when you get to 30 you can walk).

This time, I was relatively calm... until the first anesthesiologist couldn't find my vein after poking around three times. I was getting a little pissy, I said something, "No offense, but I'm beginning to lose faith in your ability to find my vein," so she brought in BOB... the same Bob who authorized putting me out last time... and yes, after trying to distract me with a story about traveling to Germany he found my vein... my last words? "I can still remember what's going on!" Bob: "Just give it a second or two"

And I woke up. That Bob, he's a tricky one.

I'm home now, still a little high from the drugs (my facebook time was filled with "like" and "I love you!"), and husband made me velveeta mac & cheese (Mac & cheese = comfort food!). I don't think my 30 minute exercise will be happening (fail x2); but the food intake has been pretty good.

Tomorrow is another day! I will exercise tomorrow!!!

Day 3: Hungry

HUNGRY!

I'm having minor surgery, so I can't eat after 7:30 a.m. My surgery is at 1:30 p.m. The goal is to not totally binge eat when I get out of surgery!

Sigh.

Day 2

Epic Fail. I blame Dairy Queen.

I should have braved the grey weather and taken the dog for a 30 minute walk. But it might rain. And I thought I would wait for the kid and go to the gym with him. (He works at DQ). However, the rush was so significant that he didn't get home until after ten... and really, who wants to go to the gym after ten at night? So 30 min. activity FAIL for Day 2. Should have gone earlier in the day.

And as for the intake of food... relatively good job... I had the kid bring me home a half cup of soft serve with strawberries... so yummy! I don't think I can give up that bedtime snack, usually consisting of ice cream... and softserve plus strawberries is a good substitute for the calorie-laden blizzard (500 calories vs. 340 calories). I need to cut down to a small sundae, or start picking up those mini Ben and Jerry ice creams that are 200 calories...

Boring post, I know. But it keeps me accountable.

Day 1

Thirty minutes of exercise was achieved today: instead of purchasing a golf cart, I purchased a push cart and drug my bag around the course (the pesky back issues prevent me from using my back-pack straps).

However, a text message from a friend calling me to DQ counteracted any calories burned: I only intended to eat half the small chocolate-covered-strawberry blizzard... but you know what happened.

BUT, I refuse to feel bad about eating a blizzard. Enjoying a DQ blizzard every once in a while is something I refuse to change about my life! Being healthy but denying oneself soft-serve mixed with candy and fruit is hardly an enjoyable life to look forward to.

So, I must accept that blizzards a non-negotiable part of my life. Ideas to try in the future to balance blizzardy goodness with my new, healthy lifestyle: order a blizzard but ask them to use half the ice cream (now I'm the weird order-er), order full blizzard and share, order a full blizzard and eat half and put the other half in the freezer (I've done this perhaps once in my life), order a full blizzard and immediately dump half of it out (but think of all the starving Ethiopians!), I only get a blizzard once per month and the rest of the time I eat small sundaes or cones...

Not sure what the best idea is. Open to suggestions.

As for eating only when I am hungry, and stopping when I am full... it is hard to break myself of the habits of 1) serving large portions of food that I historically have eaten, and 2) feeling I must eat everything I take. I should have had one fajita... but when I served myself, the small portion left in the tupperware looked so lonely, so sad... so I scooped the rest onto my plate and had two fajitas. And after the first fajita, I was content. And halfway through the second, I thought, I am full and I should stop eating. But I didn't.

I am realizing I have a clean-plate obsession. Is that something one can unlearn?

Self-sabotage

As a scholar of weight loss and health, I know that getting adequate sleep increases the likelihood I will be able to implement healthy life choices. And since I was up last night learning how to blog, I am afraid I have set myself up to fail on day one!

Free To Be ME

I was spurred into action by a hemorrhoid.

Gross right? My thoughts exactly. It started fun, as most eventual bad life choices do. It started as having enough money to eat out every weekend. Lunches with friends. Dinners with the then-boyfriend, now husband.

Then the dryer started freaking out on my clothes. And when I pulled my summer clothes out of storage, the Rubbermaid container had some sort of shrinking effect. And when I pulled jeans on again in the Fall, they were all tight jeans...

But who doesn't gain a little wait after college, right? Sadly, I've already done this cycle once - in 2007 I lost 20+ pounds. Weightwatchers freed me then. But major life changes, including increased access to Fabulous lunch destinations, has made the past three year ever so disgustingly delicious.

The stretch marks were an old friend - when they came back, I wasn't too surprised. But the back pain I have developed is horrible. I broke my leg, and I can't help but think my poor bone just couldn't handle the weight. And most recently, lying on the doctor's bed with my lower half covered by the pink sheet, the doctor poking around "there," gave "it" a direct tap (ouch!) and confirmed my fears... I had a hemorrhoid. GROSS. And hemorrhoids, while caused by many things including pregnancy and constipation (of which I am neither), is also caused by being overweight, saith the doctor. Is this really something a woman aspiring to 30 should have to worry about?

Weight loss is my first big "goal" in 350 - not (solely) because I want to look more socially attractive, but also because I want to be healthy. I want to live life to the full, and that doesn't happen when you're 30 pounds overweight. I'm currently 5'6" and 185 pounds. And not big boned. Big Buddha belly, but not big boned.

In my dark moments, when I believe I am incapable of ever losing that much weight, I tell myself that it is just part of who I am. I am that cute, overweight girl. Jolly looking. I'm too busy: I'm a mom, I'm a student, I'm a wife... I can't be skinny too! And besides, I rationalize being skinny is for superficial people who care more about how they look than about what really matters: personality and character.

But I realize it is my gluttonous, indulgent character that has caused this problem: excessively eating out, general overeating of pasta and foods I love, and absence of exercise that ruined my previous victory over weight gain. Excess won this round; the game is tied 1-1. I need a knock-out, because I refuse to do this weight loss, weight gain cycle for the next decade. I have better things to worry about!

So this is test number one for me. I want to enter my 30's as a healthy and fit woman. I want to have energy and I want this back pain to go away! (Not to mention never having a weight-related hemorrhoid EVER AGAIN) The question will be - "how" healthy and fit? What is realistic? I want to discover what aspects of a healthy lifestyle I can actually integrate into my life - and what aspects I need to accept are just not happening.

The goal: For 10 days, I will attempt to engage in 30 minutes of exercise each day. For starters in the food arena, I will not eat when I am full. Sounds so easy.


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